So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
