found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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