My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
