omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
