Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
