The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
