I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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