Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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