I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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