He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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