Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
