when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
