I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
