so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Randomize
