what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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