I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
