The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
