Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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