dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize
