So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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