I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
