I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
