Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
