if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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