I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
