the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
