i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Randomize
