why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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