Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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