Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
