I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
