so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
