i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
