im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
