3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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