can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
