I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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