As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
