Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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