I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Is her dick bigger than yours?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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