New low: just hacked my moms facebook
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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