I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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