got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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