I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
