we made out on top of his cat.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
