Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
