she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
