Cold hands, warm shart.
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Randomize
