I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
