did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
