I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
