i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
