There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
