I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
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