Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
